Guide To Make Your Ideal Relationship

We all have preconceived notions about relationships. Our parents model them for us when we are young, and we read about couples in books and see them on TV and in movies. Yet, while everyone grows up forming his or her own picture of the perfect relationship, very little, if any, of this picture comes from an individual’s wants and desires. Therefore, we create relationships based on what society wants. In other words, we subconsciously and unintentionally act like we think we are supposed to act, in regard to what our partner and everyone else wants, as opposed to what feels good to us. Unfortunately, this causes many people to lose their sense of self when in an intimate relationship.

Being in a same-sex relationship has not spared me of society’s relationship norms. It took me years to figure out that I wanted something different. While past relationship experiences were somewhat satisfying, they did not provide me with everything I desired. As I began to reflect on my unsatisfying relationships, I asked myself the first of two questions: “Why were my relationships only mediocre?” I realized it was because I was socialized to perceive any relationship a certain way-without considering my own wants and desires. Each relationship had to meet specific criteria based on what I had observed and learned growing up. We all grow up with spoken and unspoken rules about relationships. For example, I remember hearing that it’s improper to live with someone before getting married. (Thank God I listened to my heart instead of my head on this one! Otherwise, I would have been forty-nine before I lived with someone!) Here are a sampling of other rules that I observed growing up in the 1960s and 1970s.

• The woman does the household duties while the man goes to work.

• Men only do masculine household chores (shoveling snow, mowing the grass, and so on).

Thank goodness I grew up during a time when women were questioning-and still question-these gender stereotypes. However, there are a host of other unspoken rules that have nothing to do with gender. For example, many people believe married couples should live in the same home. Although this is a commonly held belief of what it means to be in a relationship, it may not allow people to be at their best. I have multiple friends who are married but do not share a home. This works for them! They are happier with each other having created their own picture of what a relationship can be.

Still, because of societal expectations, each of us brings thousands of beliefs into an intimate relationship. Here are some more examples. Feel free to add ones that speak to you.

• Couples have to take their vacations together.

• Couples have to like each other’s friends.

• Couples have sex all the time-forever.

• Partners are clairvoyant about each other’s thoughts and feelings.

• All couples have to have children. (As a matter of fact, the myth is that having children strengthens the bond between the couple.)

• Couples who really love each other don’t fight or disagree.

• It’s the job of each person in a relationship to make the other person happy.

• Marriage is forever.

As I considered these spoken and unspoken rules and my less-than-desirable relationships, a second question arose: “What do I want from an intimate relationship?” Investigating my personal desires and dreams in this way liberated me. It allowed me to not only think outside the box but ditch the box entirely. Through this freedom, I was allowed to create the relationship I truly wanted. I wanted a relationship that was mutual. My ideal relationship was one where both people regularly practiced and experienced love and belonging. I drew inspiration from Brené Brown (2010), author of The Gifts of Imperfection, who cites bell hooks “To begin by always thinking of love as an action rather than a feeling is one way in which anyone using the word in this manner automatically assumes accountability and responsibility” (pg. 27). It was critically important for me to be in a relationship where I could share myself from a very authentic place; in this place, I could share all my peculiarities and imperfections and still feel love and belonging in the relationship. Additionally, I always wanted my partner to feel safe enough to do the same. Lastly, for me, a phenomenal relationship has clear and honest communication and a desire to continue to grow as individuals and as a couple. When I framed what I wanted in this way, the opportunities around my relationship seemed endless, as long as we explored ideas together. Living this way has allowed Kim and me to create a relationship that we love and are grateful for every day.

Consider asking yourself the following questions.

• Are you in a relationship where you feel free to be yourself?

• If you asked yourself what your perfect relationship would be, what would it look like?

 

Easy Tips To Change Unhealthy Relationship Become Healthy Relationship

How to Turn an Unhealthy Relationship Into a Healthy Relationship

Falling in love feels like soaring with eagles, but an unhealthy relationship can bring you crashing to the ground. We’ve all been there a time or two. In the beginning, you love each other so much that the whole world glimmers and glows. But this perfection soon gives way to ups and downs, even in a healthy relationship.

Sadly, many couples break up as that romantic high wears off, leaving them with the reality of real love. They let normal relationship issues tear them apart rather than bring them closer together. Obviously, a healthy relationship can’t develop without two people determined to stay together.

There’s no way around the truth: Relationships require work. No two people are alike, and sometimes differences create painful misunderstandings. Moreover, people make mistakes. No matter how good the intentions, both partners in a relationship will mess up from time to time. If you want to turn an unhealthy relationship into a healthy relationship, prepare to face these realities.

The tips below will show you how to rekindle love and turn a bad relationship around; but you don’t have to wait until after a break up. Start early. As soon as relationship issues pop up, tackle them head on. The trick is to fix a broken relationship, before it breaks you.

How to Turn an Unhealthy Relationship Into a Healthy Relationship

1. Stop rehashing the past.

It’s important to discuss the issues in your relationship, but that doesn’t mean bringing up the past in every argument. In order to grow as a couple, especially after a break up or communication break down, you must forgive each other. Of course, forgiveness doesn’t come easily; but you must decide, once and for all, whether to let the past go or let the relationship go.

If you spent any time broken up with your love, you know how hard it is to be apart. So, prepare to move forward. That means, no more trying to make your partner feel guilty about past mistakes. Don’t bring up the past when having a disagreement about the present, and don’t use the past to justify your current feelings or behaviors. There’s no way to turn an unhealthy relationship into a healthy relationship while holding on to old resentments. The festering anger and constant rehashing the past will lead to bitterness, bad arguments, and a dismal future. Don’t let the past ruin your future. You can create new, better memories together; but only if both partners willingly forgive the past.

2. Deal with the real relationship issues.

Forgiving the past does not mean ignoring relationship issues. Unhealthy relationships often come from inattention to underlying problems. In the past, you may have argued over everything without really fixing anything. Or you may have dealt with the symptoms of relationship issues rather than digging up the root cause.

For example, if everything blew up after one of you was unfaithful, the focus may land squarely on that single act of betrayal. Cheating is horrible and inexcusable, but there is almost always a problem beneath the surface. Were you feeling vengeful, unfulfilled, or insecure? Did your partner feel ignored, unloved, or neglected? Had your relationship become too mundane or boring? Did you miscommunicate your desires? Is your partner not ready for total commitment? Sometimes it is difficult for couples to discover all the underlying issues, so don’t hesitate to bring in a neutral third party. That might mean going to couples counseling or using online relationship repair sources.

Once you understand the root cause, you can clearly see if it is fixable. If so, develop a solid plan to prevent break up and breakdown of your love. Make sure you both agree on this solution, since it takes two committed partners to turn an unhealthy relationship into a healthy one.

3. Give your all. Don’t hold back.

Some couples feel insecure when rekindling love after break up or breakdown. It’s tempting to hold back, just in case things go wrong again. But this approach sets you up for failure. Try to find comfort in the fact that your partner chose to work things out with you, even though it might be easier to give up on the unhealthy relationship.

Many couples just break up rather than fix a broken relationship. Instead you’re working to build a healthy relationship. That makes your love special. Use this knowledge to bolster feelings of security, so you can give your all in the relationship.

Don’t hold back out of fear or distrust. Don’t put your love on probation while you wait for something else to go wrong. Set your mind on healing the relationship rift, loving each other more completely, and creating happy memories together. You wouldn’t take time to read about how to turn an unhealthy relationship into a healthy relationship if you didn’t love your mate enough to try.

When relationship issues arise (and they will), remember that it takes more work to stay in love than to fall in love. Also, remember that it is worth it. True love lasts because two people refuse to give up on a love that’s worth fighting for. Best wishes and a happier relationship to you!

 

Find Your Relationship Purpose

Did you know that relationships are eternal? They reflect the energetic ties and karma to be played out incarnation after incarnation, as we carry them along on our soul journey. In truth, we’ve been meeting pretty much the same souls over and over, trying to heal our wounds and learning to relate with love and compassion for one another, or at least enough detachment to break any toxic or painful bonds.

Sometimes we meet them for just a moment and sometimes we maintain relationships that last years, depending on what we’ve chosen to work on. This is why you may feel an instant connection or attraction to some people, as well as an aversion toward certain individuals, and these may include family members that you are supposed to love. Indeed, close family members are the ones we usually share the most negative karma with! Yet we need to experience those painful relationships to resolve old emotional patterns and tendencies, to grow and evolve.

Relationships are complex and multi-layered. On one level, they connect us to the world, stimulate the physical senses, and bring contrast to our experience of reality. On another level, they trigger the ego-mind and activate the unconscious emotional fabric that is the foundation of our life. So even though we may think we know who we are entering a relationship with, we may not necessarily see the underlying vibrational patterns that connect us to that person-since they come from the past.

Some of those patterns create positive points of connection (shared interests, dreams, beliefs, aspirations, principles, etc.) while others manifest as conflict, because they touch the wounds that we try so hard to avoid and disconnect from. The ego believes that relationships are mainly self-gratifying: they provide affection, sex, companionship, support, and so on. Conflicts arise when our ego-based needs aren’t met.

From a spiritual perspective, however, close relationships are meant to be learning platforms for self-knowledge and self-growth. They serve as mirrors that reflect our belief system-especially what we believe about ourselves-and reactivate past emotional wounds that need to be dealt with and resolved.

Find the Purpose of Your Relationships

We choose relationships to put all our stuff in our face, so to speak, because it’s easier that way for us to take care of what needs attention. Of course, it’s not the only way to resolve our issues, but since we get very attached to the person we are in relationship with, we feel like we have to deal with them in order to stop the pain and move forward-either because we want to continue or end the relationship.

Of course, we can also choose not to deal with any of it and jump from one relationship to the next, simply repeating and re-encountering the same type of problems with different people, while our ego tries to disguise them as something completely new. No wonder why it takes lifetimes to resolve our issues and be at peace with some people! That is, until we understand the purpose of being in relationship and shift our perspective and approach.

You may think that you need a partner for companionship or to experience love (yes, life is tough and it can get lonely), but at a soul level every relationship is an opportunity to learn about yourself and heal the emotional wounds, wrong perceptions, unspoken agreements, and negative tendencies that you’ve been carrying for a long time. In other words, they are meant to make you aware of how much or how little you truly love yourself. So what are YOUR relationships reflecting back at you about yourself?

If you think that a close relationship should fulfill all your needs, well, I’ve got news for you: no single relationship can ever do that. But you can use each opportunity to work toward personal growth and emotional freedom, instead of letting your life revolve around others. It may sound counterintuitive, but if you really want to create loving relationships, you first need to learn to be alone and develop a deep, loving, and meaningful relationship with the most important person in your life: YOU. This one becomes the pattern for all other relationships in your life.

Learn To Be In Love With Love

Love is not a sentimental, self-gratifying game. Love is your true nature. And if you want to really experience love in relationship, you need to nurture your self-love and choose a partner that does the same-someone who’s not growing cannot allow you to grow. In other words, you both have to establish more loving relationships with yourselves first and also be open and willing to let the other person be who they are. Otherwise, the tendency will be to connect from an unconscious wounded place, simply trying to heal your wounds through the other, while your partner tries to do the same through you.

If I asked you, “Can you lend me $500?” you’d probably look in your wallet or your pocket to check how much money you have. If you don’t have any, you’d say, “Sorry, I don’t have any money.” If you have exactly $500, you wouldn’t want to give me all your money, right? But if you were carrying $10,000 in your pocket, you could reach for the $500 and hand them to me without hesitation.

Similarly, how can you love openly without feeling that something is being taken away from you, or without expecting something in return, if you don’t cultivate and replenish your self-love on a regular basis? Without that anchor to keep you centered and strong, it’s very easy to get lost in relationship. It’s not because you love too much, it’s because of a lack of center-of a strong inner connection to yourself. Lust, passion or shared interests are not enough to hold a relationship for long; they eventually fade away and change. Love and growth are much stronger pillars for long lasting relationships.

So I’d suggest that you focus on them first and foremost:

  1. Cultivate love within yourself and let your cup run over toward others;
  2. Tackle your emotional issues to connect at a heart level, not from the wounded ego-mind;
  3. Remain independent and nurture activities that keep you centered and connected to yourself;
  4. Be in love for love’s sake and choose a partner with whom to share the pursuit of self-growth.

Be Independent and Connect from the Heart

In our dysfunctional world, love has become a commodity and a transaction: if you give me what I want, I give you affection or attention in return. If you don’t behave the way I expect, then I withhold my love. We all learn these emotional patterns in early childhood, and they shape beliefs that defeat the purpose of creating loving relationships. Instead of nurturing and allowing love to evolve, we expect and demand more. And if we don’t get what we want, we grow resentful and dissatisfied. We become self-centered instead of self-loving.

However, as the Feminine energies of the planet continue to take back their place, we are challenged to review, re-visit and re-evaluate our relationships, and to establish loving relationships in creative cooperation, with one another and in our communities. This is necessary to support the re-balancing of the Masculine and Feminine principles on Earth. It obviously seems easier said than done, because for thousands of years we’ve invested an enormous amount of energy solidifying the power-based relationships that we are so familiar with, but we can begin overturning that now. It is time, and you are fully supported if you are willing to create a new paradigm in relationships.

To get there, it is necessary to take full responsibility for your emotional well being and break the karmic cycle of power-struggle type of relationships that arise from a victim-blame dynamic. Otherwise, you’ll be wasting great opportunities to discover what love truly is and reconnect with your divine nature and with other human beings who may be seeking the exact same thing you are: your true sense of self.

So contact me if you are ready to shift to a higher level of connection to yourself and others, heal your emotional wounds, and nurture your independence and sense of self, so you can create loving, joyful, and empowering relationships that allow and support you to be who YOU truly are, to grow and shine, and fall in love with love.